a good begining i think, a few tweeks here and there I can see, mainly some editing. I'm not good at critiquing so I won't try to, but if you want me to then let me know!
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| Author: | Constitutiona [ Mon Feb 13, 2006 12:48 am ] |
| Post subject: | story idea |
hey all, I'm think about writing a series of books about the Balancing Councils. I'm going to start with Renee's story, here's the beginning that I have so far, let me know what you think. She stood in the background watching her nephew that was so many greats to her that she had lost count generations ago. He was thought by one and all to be the last living member of his father’s family line, but only she knew otherwise. The boy, as she thought of him, did not know of her existence and more than likely, never would. Then again in had been dozens upon dozens of generations since she had been remembered by her family, let alone acknowledged. The last time she had been acknowledged by family was the day she had been disowned by her father when she had informed him of her divorce. He hadn’t been happy about the fact that she had finally come to realize that her magic was hers to control, not someone else’s to control through her. He accused her of being selfish and only wanting to shame the family. She left, never coming in direct contact with her family again. Shortly after The Incident, as she called it, she became one of the most powerful sorceresses in all of time. She was slowly forgotten by everyone who ever knew her. She became known as one of the members of the most powerful council in history and was known by all but her fellow members as…Chaos. Chapter I: Old Family Ties “Ma’am, a…a letter has just arrived for you.†A young man said as he handed a woman in black slacks and a wine-colored blouse the letter. She nodded to him as she took the envelope before the boy left. She fingered her onyx necklace, braiding the three strands of onyx around the bloodstone pendent. ‘Odd’ she thought to herself. ‘Who would send me a letter, let alone write one on actual paper.’ She looked at the letter’s envelope, then at the sender’s name and address. ‘No, it can’t be. Not after all these years.’ Curiosity more than anything else caused her to actually read the letter and see just why the person who had written the letter even wrote to her, especially considering he wasn’t even supposed to know that she existed…. Dear Renee Bloodthorn, Empress of All That Is Chaos, Hello, my name is Michael Bloodthorn, and I am a distant nephew of yours. I don’t mean to sound presumptuous, but you are probably wondering why I am writing to you, considering the family disowned you so long ago that to name the year would give away your age. Renee smiled, ‘the boy certainly has guts, I’ll give him that much.’ She thought to herself before she continued to read. The reason that I am writing is because I need your help. The family line is in danger. In order to ascend to our traditional place of power, there must be a family member present when I ascend to the throne. I lost both of my parents a few months ago, due to unexplainable circumstances. My coronation is in one week’s time and I have no other living relatives that I would trust to stand beside me at that time. I would not be asking you this if I had another option, I know there is more important happenings in the universe than my coronation. I must end this letter now, my step-mother’s people have arrived and I can’t let them know that I’ve contacted you, they’re trying to get me to turn over my throne to her son. Your Nephew, Prince Michael Bloodthorn Renee paused briefly, unsure of what to do. She did want to go, but she had things that she could not leave to anyone else. “Go, he needs you. Corana can handle your projects.†A soft voice said from behind. “I know, I…I just.†Renee said, not even bothering to turn around. “I understand. I went through this myself a few centuries ago, remember. I was nervous, but, if I remember correctly, you convinced me to go.†“Oh Eve. What am I going to do? It’s been so long, I doubt I would even recognize the palace.†Eve laughed, “Go, I’ll handle everything here.†Renee finally turned around. Looking at one of the few she actually considered her friend. “Thank you.†She turned back around and began to pack her bags. “By the way, the dark shade of green that you had on yesterday afternoon looks better on you than the neon green you have on now.†|
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| Author: | Fyre [ Mon Feb 13, 2006 7:26 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
a good begining i think, a few tweeks here and there I can see, mainly some editing. I'm not good at critiquing so I won't try to, but if you want me to then let me know!
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| Author: | Constitutiona [ Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:46 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
thanks |
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| Author: | Kojack [ Tue Feb 14, 2006 7:14 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Promissing. Interesting. Nice. |
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| Author: | John [ Wed Feb 15, 2006 1:13 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
COOL |
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