Very nice. i like the sound of the creature.
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| An Introduction http://dragnix.com/Msg_Board/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=661 |
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| Author: | Ersska [ Mon Mar 20, 2006 6:57 pm ] |
| Post subject: | An Introduction |
This is the intro to a book I'm trying to write. Yes, it suppose to end like it does. And no, you do not get to know what happens to the family. The story jumps to another scene. I might post it later. I'm still working on it. The night was warm and peaceful. The crickets were chirping happily, and the cry of an owl could be heard from somewhere in the distance. The villagers were sleeping peacefully, never suspecting any harm would come to them. As time passed, the night grew quiet, a little too quiet. Soon, no noise was to be heard; even the crickets had abandoned their joyful song. Then, suddenly, the heavy beating of wings could be heard, loud and clear, and the night sky was flooded with light as a burst of fire fell from above. Fields and houses were immediately engulfed as fireball after fireball rained down from the dark sky. People, abrubtly awakened from their gentle slumber, ran screming into the streets, some with their hair and clothes ablaze. Men gathered together with their weapons, ready to fight the menace that so fiercely sought to harm them. The menace was waiting for its chance, and at the sight of the men, it swooped down from its lofty position and snatched up three of them. It continued its attack, circling back and swooping down every few minutes, taking with it some unfortunate victim each time. Amidst the chaos, a family ran through the streets, past all of the screaming, burning, terror-stricken people. They rounded a corner only to find themselves face to face with the menace. It came at them, diving straight for them, teeth gleaming, claws ready to grab. It would be upon them any second. . . Well, that's all. I know there's a lot of commas and such, but I'm a comma fool! So, tell me what you think. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. |
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| Author: | wut2say [ Mon Mar 20, 2006 11:04 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
THAT..........WAS................AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really dont pay attention to punctuation unless it completely ruins the story but u didnt so dont worry about me criticizing that. u dont really need quotes around menace cause that is wut it was |
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| Author: | + Silver - Orbs + [ Tue Mar 21, 2006 3:54 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Very nice. i like the sound of the creature.
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| Author: | wut2say [ Tue Mar 21, 2006 1:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
see i told u.   
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| Author: | Jishdefish [ Tue Mar 21, 2006 4:58 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Doesn't the creature make a noise? Just a thought.... I think the 'menece is a dragon.... |
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| Author: | wut2say [ Tue Mar 21, 2006 6:49 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
i do to, adn i think that it says that the menace made a noise *goes back and checks* i just saw beating of wings, maybe u should add some type if noise(shreech,roar, etc.) |
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| Author: | Ersska [ Wed Mar 22, 2006 3:25 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Okay. I took off the quotations. But I don't know where a noise would fit into the story. |
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| Author: | Jishdefish [ Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:35 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
Maybe right before the fireball...... |
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| Author: | + Silver - Orbs + [ Fri Mar 24, 2006 3:58 am ] |
| Post subject: | |
Perhaps it could be making the sound before it appears - like in AvP the chattering sound comes before the Alien |
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| Author: | wut2say [ Fri Mar 24, 2006 11:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | |
u could make it roar when it sees that one family....... |
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