Joke thread - post your jokes here

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:25 pm

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:25 pm

A blind priest, a rabbi, and a monkey all walk into a bar. Suddenly the barkeep looks up and says "What is this, some kinda joke?"

Post by **vampirehunter42** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:31 pm

Here is an old, sad and not that funny one.

An orc walks into a bar. And says "ouch".

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:23 am

Three ropes walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve ropes here."

So one of the ropes ties a knot in himself, then splays out his ends. He walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a rope?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

ALL TIME BEST OF STEPHEN WRIGHT

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."
"Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!"
"I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine."
"I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded'..."
"My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH."
"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 3:42 pm

So a rare book dealer meets an old aquaintance of his at a coffee shop, and they chat for a while. As they talk, the aquaintance mentions in passing that he threw out an old family bible, adding that it had been printed by Guten somebody.
The book dealer gasped. "Not Gutenberg!?!"
"Yeah, that was the guy."
"You idiot! You just threw out one of the rare Gutenberg bibles! A copy of one just sold for several million dollars!"
"That's all right," the man replied assuredly, "They wouldn't have wanted mine. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it."

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:11 pm

Number Five Hundred and Twenty One!

One day, a bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods, when the rabbit tripped on a genie's lamp. The bear realized that if he stopped chasing the rabbit, he might get some wishes out of it. The rabbit rubbed the lamp, and the genie came out and said, "Thank you for releasing me. I will grant you each three wishes."

The bear thought for a while, then said, "I wish all of the bears in this forest were female, except for me." So the genie made every other bear in the forest female.

The rabbit quickly wished for a crash helmet, and a thick helmet appeared on his head.

The bear was puzzled by the rabbit's wish, but continued, "I wish every other bear in this country were female." So the genie did what he was told.

The rabbit wished for the fastest motorcycle available, and the genie conjured it up.

The bear was still confused by the rabbit's wasteful wishes, and said, "I wish that every other bear in the world were female." So the genie made every other bear a female.

The rabbit smiled, buckled his helmet, started up the motorcycle, revved the engine a few times, then said, "I wish the bear was gay."

Corva · Post by **Corva** » Sun May 03, 2009 11:42 am

LOL!

Well, I had a few, but they've slipped my mind.

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Mon May 04, 2009 9:00 pm

Number Three Hundred and Eighteen!

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, and much later, the guard is retired and sitting in a cantina in Mexico, where he meets Juan.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you were smuggling something. It drives me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

alondor · Post by **alondor** » Tue May 05, 2009 7:27 pm

Did you modify that from a mystery book you own, it sounds kinda like this car smuggling mystery i read

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Wed May 06, 2009 1:55 pm

No. It's one I know from a long time ago.

I don't think I've ever read a book about car smuggling, either.

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Wed May 06, 2009 4:11 pm

Real advertisements:

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Church bulletins:
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Post by **vampirehunter42** » Wed May 06, 2009 6:29 pm

What happened to the two joke threads with the same name?

The mod merged them.

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Wed May 06, 2009 6:35 pm

I've heard that one before...

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Thu May 07, 2009 1:33 am

Number Three Hundred and Forty-Four!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections, she said, "Well you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how in the world did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Thu May 07, 2009 12:50 pm

What do ninja banshees throw?
"Shriekans".

Corva · Post by **Corva** » Fri May 08, 2009 7:17 am

A scientist walks into a bar and demands 'Who used my time machine'? The guy at the end then says 'I did, in about' - looks at his watch - '10 minutes'.

Don't blame me if you found that one unfunny, I didn't invent it...

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Fri May 08, 2009 11:28 am

Oh, aha, Dragonrider,, aha.

More real signs and notices:

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."

Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

Corva · Post by **Corva** » Sat May 09, 2009 9:26 am

The first one doesn't make sense, the last one doesn't - when you take it apart - but the opther ones do

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Sat May 09, 2009 8:57 pm

Number Three Hundred and Fifty-Eight!

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make progress with any of the girls, so he heads over to the guard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing those baggy swim trunks that make you look like an old geezer. Grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato inside. I'm telling you, you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his new Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's even worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So, Brad goes back to the life-guard again and ask him:

"What's wrong now?"

"Dude!" says the lifeguard: "The potato goes at the front!"

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Tue May 12, 2009 9:17 pm

Army Jokes
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...

Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------
One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Wed May 13, 2009 10:26 am

You know, they say things like this, but if we got into a conflict with an organized fighting force, I doubt the marines would do a lot of good if we didn't have an air force like ours. Moreover, do have any kind of clue what kind of goals could be accomplished with no loss of life using the air force?

Just because they spend all day sitting around playing video games for a living doesn't mean they can't fight. Just that they don't have to worry about getting shot when they do.

Corva · Post by **Corva** » Fri May 15, 2009 4:46 pm

Where did you get those rules from?

Careful about dissing the Air Force - my Dad was in that. Only as a radio technician guy, but still...

Falconer · Post by **Falconer** » Fri May 15, 2009 5:19 pm

Uh... good question. I think I just googled "funny military rules" after my friend told me that one.

Silentiea · Post by **Silentiea** » Sat May 16, 2009 1:17 am

I've heard a lot of air force jokes. I figure they're probably a lot like drummer jokes: funny even though they're hardly true, and most often told by the ones they're about.

Corva · Post by **Corva** » Sun May 17, 2009 9:36 am

Drummer jokes? Like 'what do yuo call a guy who hangs around with musicians?'