Joke thread - post your jokes here

[Falconer]

It is a little known fact that the greatest mass death in Japanese history occurred during the Godzilla incident, when the monster stepped on an accordion factory and the resulting sound slew everyone in a twenty mile radius, including Godzilla.

[Silentiea]

Number Five Hundred and Twenty-Three!




Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Let's go ride bikes!

[Jishdefish]

Fun fact: 'pi' in greek actually translates to the number '3.'

Fun fact: Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked in a square.

Sorry, just had to, no one else had yet.

[Falconer]

Do not contaminate this thread with Chuck Norris, or I'll never get to hear any real jokes.

So two inmates are sitting in an insane asylum, and one says to the other, "So, how long before they let us out?"
The other says, "Aaahhh! A talking muffin!"

[Corva]

Some books.

I'm better than God, by Lucy Fir

That's one. Now, for the Systems of Government series.

1. Do as I say by Richard Tatorship.
2. Do what you want by Anna Key
3. Hereditable do as I say by Mona Key.
4. Rule of the majority by D. Mocracy.

[Jishdefish]

Do not contaminate this thread with Chuck Norris, or I'll never get to hear any real jokes.

So two inmates are sitting in an insane asylum, and one says to the other, "So, how long before they let us out?"
The other says, "Aaahhh! A talking muffin!"

Seriously? And you thought my joke wasn't real? The talking muffin one is even more overused. I'm not too good at this joke thing, but I'll give it another shot.

A man with black glasses is selling knives and daggers of various sizes under the label "hardly ever been used." A potential customer walks up and asks:

"What were they used for?"

He shrugs and answers: "Various things."

"Anything illegal?"

The seller throws one at him, but it hits the wall with a dull thud.

"Nearly."

[Falconer]

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[Corva]

And to think they only recruit in the top ten percent...

I'm thinking of going on Britains got Talent. I'm going to do knife throwing. I bet I can hit three head sized targets before the buzzers go.

[John]

Okay, so these two guys are sitting in a bar...Doing bar things. Anyway. One keeps kinda squinting, turning his head, staring at the other, and then going back to his glass. After two or three times, the other guy gets up, and walks over, stumbling a little. He stops, and stares at the other guy for a moment, then;

'What are ye starin' at me for?'

The first guy blinks, squints, shakes his head, then smile apologetically.

"Sorry...I thought ye looked familiar...Out of curiousity, where did ya go to primary school?"

The second guy shrugs, and sits down on a nearby stool.

'St. Mary's, down the road a tick. Why?'

The asker looks a little more confident, and, with a smile;

"Well...who taught ye mathematics, uh, second year?"

'Uh, Sister Abigail. Why?'

The smile gets a little bigger.

"Hm...when was this?"

'About twenty years ago. Now. Why?!'

The first guy grins, grabs his companion by the shoulder, and shakes him.

"I was in Sister Abigail's maths class twenty years ago! Lemme buy you a drink, friend!"

As the two begin relating their stories, a third guy signals the bartender, and points to the duo.

"I see the O'Connor twins are drunk again."

[dr drako dragon]

who likes your mum jokes coz i'v got a funny one...

your mum is so fat when she goes in an elevator it can only go down!!!

[Chabelis]

So a baby seal walked into a club

[Ersska]

Ha ha! I know that one! It's wrong, but funny. . .I think I heard it on a movie. . .

[Falconer]

[Falconer]

Aaaaand a friend of mine made this cool flash video for his school

http://www.swfme.com/view/1240412